Getting myself on track ☺️

Hi everyone 👍

So after my last post I was feeling really down. I've taken myself off the 'happy pills' yay! Urgh, seriously no, I hate the thought of being on these things. The Dr says it'll help to the edge off things. Thing is I don't wanna take the edge off I just want myself back and to be able to get rid of all my negativity without relying on a pill to mask it. So I've been slowly weaning myself off them. 

It's hard going but I know I'm doing the right thing. 

Anyways, that aside, I am actually feeling a little more positive. I have a couple of special people to thank, for that. 

An old good friend, who has known me for years, who has always been around for me. He knows who he is, and im thankful for him not giving up on me. Even when I've been a complete bitch at  times.

Secondly, a very lovely person who actually I've only just met, which was through a total random Facebook post. 

Id like to think that he too will also be a positive change in my life. Regardless of the physical distance between us. 

Also, my new house is having a positive affect on my overall well being. I've enjoyed putting the work in, and reaping the benefits of my hard work. I'm really looking forward to moving in. I love my new home!

My two children are doing wonderfully well. I love them both do much, I can't imagine my life without them. Between them, they are keeping me strong, and give me a reason for living. 

I hope you are all good and well and I'll catch you all soon!

Stay safe 

ABM xxx

Ramble

Hello. 

I've realised that I haven't posted for a good while. I think I've been trying to deal with things differently, rather than writing down stuff, I've been trying to ignore the demons in my mind. 

But I've soon discovered that ignoring things, doesn't make them go away. There's still the little voices in my head telling me things. 

I've had a slight relapse in my eating disorder recovery. I find when I have so much going on in my life, I find I need to control something, and the only thing I can control is myself. 

So here's a little brief on what's currently going on. 

My daughter, Diddle, is growing up fast before my eyes. She starts full time school in september, and right now I'm finding that difficult to deal with. I mean, she's 4, still a baby. She will always be my baby, and I'll do everything I can to protect her. But while she's at school, I can't. I worry about things like, if she falls and bumps her knee, who will comfort her? She always runs to me when she's hurt or sick. I fear she'll be ignored and given the brush off by her teacher. 

She's also a very clever little girl, what if she gets put back, because she's too clever? And her teachers won't give her the extra support and encouragement that she's always received from me?? 

So much is running through my mind...I can't even...I'm gonna miss her so much

And then here Bubs, my baby boy. He is coming along grandly, and he is so incredible. I have no worries about him as of now, but he can be a little terror at times, isn't that all kids??

I am also currently in the process of moving house. This is stressing me on so many levels!! I feel like all the work is being left to me, because as u know, the hubby is never around. I'm the one that's going up most days/nights to decorate, I'm the one left packing boxes, I'm the one left to sort out repairs...the list goes on. 

But on the other hand, I'm finding this good therapy, and it keeping my mind occupied. 

I'm starting to struggle with my body image again. I had to quit the gym due to health issues, I feel like ana is coming back to haunt me again. 

Sometimes I just feel so alone.

Fact is, I am alone. 

There's no I can can really turn too. All my good friends are too far away to console me. No one to help me when I'm in need of help or a shoulder to cry on. 

Bye for now 

ABM xxx

Please Donate!

Hi my lovelies 

Today I ran the Cancer Research UK Race for Life today. It was a 5k run. 

The weather was absolutely beautiful, and the atmosphere amongst the women was amazing!

My team included, my aunt, one of my 'mummy friends' and my 4yo daugher. 

Just a few photos I threw together. 

I'll be entering another event next month, again for cancer research Race for Life, but this one will be 10k eekkk!!!!!

This event is very important to me as I lost my nan in law to cancer a few years back. And of you can remember from a previous post, I told you that my mom is still fighting breast cancer. 

Everywhere there is someone being told that they have cancer, but with fundraising events like this, more and more people are surviving from cancer. 

If you would like to donate to a very worthy cause, it's really simple, you can just text 'KMGS86 £1' to 70070 to donate £1 to cancer research. 

Or You can make a donation via my page: "http://www.justgiving.com/kimsherwood". It's easy, fast and totally secure.

JustGiving sends our donation straight to Cancer Research UK and, if you're a UK tax payer, automatically reclaims Gift Aid on Cancer Research UK's behalf, making your donation go further. What's more, JustGiving will never spam or sell your details.

I hope you'll join me in supporting Cancer Research UK.

Thanks for reading. 

ABM xxx

Sorry I've been MIA

Hello!

As the title says, sorry I've been Missing In Action, it's just that so much has happened recently. 

My kids have been an absolute handful. Both currently ill with ChickenPox so they've been slightly more demanding than usual (I know right?) 

My little man celebrated his first birthday, and he's been back and forth to physio with his dodgy deformed foot. 

My health has just gone completely downhill :( 

I had a scan on my abdomen recently and discovered that I have got a rather large gallstone! My consultant has told me that I will need an operation to completely remove my gallbladder. Also, I've found out that I have celiac disease. Which explains why I'm struggling to keep food down. All the problems have been brought on buy my eating disorder. Woop! (Not really, kill me now!!)

But other than that, all is ok. I've been training like a trooper for this years Cancer Research, Race For Life. I've entered two events this year, 5k and a 10k. Both I will be running/jogging around the course. 

I'm collecting sponsors/donations and if anyone would like to donate to a worthy cause, this is the link which directs you to my Just Giving page. 

https://www.justgiving.com/kimsherwood/

So yeah, that's it really, just busy busy and having fun being ill and training :p 

Thanks for reading 

ABM xxx

On A Downer

Hello my lovelies. 

Well today I just feel like I could give up. I honestly can't explain why I feel this way.

I feel so alone. My husband hardly ever makes an effort with me. Our relationship is almost non existant, Diddle is a handful and Bubs is too. 

I'm in a constant battle with my body and weight. One day I feel good and the next I hate everything about myself. I binge/purge - feel crap, starve, repeat. 

I have no friends who I could just call and say hey, I wanna die right now. I have family but I hardly ever see them. It would be so lovely if I had one of those moms who was at my house all the time. 

I hate feeling alone. I don't want to be on my own right now. I need help. No ones here though and those who say they're there for me, where are they now?

I never have any time to myself,  I'm either walking diddle to school n back, entertaining my kids, cleaning, cooking, dressing kids, doing everything for diddle because although she's almost 4 she cannot do a single thing for herself. Both kids demand my attention, both always want me to do something for them. 

Bubs is behind in his development because I find it hard to give him my time. 

The hubby tells me to leave the housework, and when I do leave it, he moans. I can't win. 

I never get time to breathe. It's taking me forever to type this up cos I keep having to stop every 2 mins. 

I feel that right now I could seriously do something stupid. If I could cut I would. If I could overdose and end my life now, I would. 

I don't want this existence anymore. It's not even a life. 

I don't even think I want help right now. I just wanna end it all and be done with it. No one would even notice I'd gone - well except the kids, and hubby cos whose gonna be there to clean their house and put food on their table??

ABM xxx

The Dot Day Project

Hello Lovlies

Sorry I haven't posted anything for a while. I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I'm still desperately trying to find who I am. 

But, as a whole, I am feeling a little better about myself today- yay! I mean it's gonna be a long while before I'm on top form, but it's a start. 

Anyway, before I turn this into a lengthy post, I wanted to tell you about 'The Dot Day Project' which has been trending on Instagram and Twitter  #TheDotDayProject

It's basically to show support to others who are battling with certain problems/issues. 

Here is the trending photo;

It's pretty much self explanatory. 

Here's my dots;

I have been affected by many of the issues (words/phrases) as illustrated in the first picture. 

These are my past, my present, but hopefully not my future. 

I am now working my butt off to make my life a happier one :)

Stay Strong my Lovlies. 

ABM xxx

Water Marble Nails

Hi everyone!

I hope you're having a great day. 

I just thought I'd share some nail art I did a couple of nights ago. 

When I was big on my nails a couple of years ago, my favourite technique was water marbling. 

To achieve this look, I used Barry M Gelly paints. They have the perfect consistency for water marbling. 

'I'll do up a quick tutorial one of the days, but basically, paint your nails a base colour, this time I used Barry M Matt white, grab yourself a shot glass (no, we don't need to get drunk to do this!!) pop some room temp water in it (see, not a drop of alcohol in sight!!)

Grab 2 or 3 colours of nail polish (I'll list up below what I used) then let the polish drop from the brush into the water, and alternate the colours, kinda like a bulls eye, then with a cocktail stick, drag the polish into a pattern, then dunk your nail in! 

Then keeping your nail in the water, clean off the excess polish off the surface of the water, then lift out your finger. 

Then all being well you should have a pretty design left on your nail!!

Clean up using cotton buds and pure actone and seal with a good topcoat. 

I think they came out quite well! What do you think?

Have you ever tried water marble nail art?

Products used;

Rimmel Double Duty base coat

Barry M Gelly Paints in; blueberry, prickly pear, papaya and green berry

Setch Vite quick dry topcoat

Tanke care my lovelies!

ABM xxx

(Nails By Kimi) 

Ombré Nails

Hello

I thought I'd show you some nail art I did over the weekend. 

I absolutely love ombré nail art, I'm quite pleased with how these have turned out. 

I used 

Barry M white (as a base)

Models Own Blueberry Muffin, Apple pie and pastel pink. 

China glaze snow globe. 

I hope you like them!

ABM xxx

'Nails By Kimi' is my official tag and copyrighted. 

Bad Day

Hi loves 

I hope you're all doing well. 

I wasn't so great yesterday something trigger me off into a binge and the binge lead to harming myself. 

I'm so sick and tired of this vicious circle I find myself in. 

So basically, I felt insulted yesterday morning by another person. 

Usually when I drop off Diddle at school, I'll take a walk into town, to grab a few odds n sods. 

It was raining so I had Bubs in his pram with the rain cover. I went into Boots to grab him something for his cough, then I ran into PoundLand to buy Diddle a pack of smarties and a few other items. 

I walked onto the shop on a world of my own, which isn't uncommon, whilst muttering to myself about what I needed, and trying to calm Bubs down as he was crying at this stage, and I walked past the security guard, and headed right to the confectionary isle. I picked up Diddles Smarties, dropped them ontop of the pram hood and carried on walking around the store. I zipped around the store 2 or 3 times, realised they didn't have what I needed, grabbed some other goodies and proceeded to the que. 

Now as I was mindlessly wondering around the store, I did notice that the security guard was following me, watching my every move. I was getting angrier and angrier. I could feel his eyes on me. It was horrible. I felt like he was judging me, I felt targeted. All because I was pushing a pram. They seem to think that if you have a pram, you're on the rob. 

Once I did que up, he returned to his spot, located at the front of the store, and in the 10mins I was que'd up, he didn't not once move from his spot or look at anyone else. I was so infuriated. 

So when I did finally get served, once I received my change from the cashier, I said, in a very angry (and loud tone of voice) 

'You wanna tell your security guard that not everyone who comes in here with a pram is one the rob. And I will be taking this further'

She didn't look at me, or say anything. Which wound me up even more. 

I left the store in such a state, I was angry, I felt physically sick, I was crying and shaking. 

I suffer so bad with my nerves and anxiety. Anyone else would of shrugged this off, but not me. How can i??

The rest of the day was a blur. I binges, I purged, I binged some more. And I harmed myself - again. I was so worked up. 

By the time my hubby came home I felt physically wore out. I had already phoned him up to tell him about the incident. I went to bed when he got back at 5:30pm and that's where I stayed till the next morning. 

Have you ever felt so angry before like this?

Tank care my loves 

ABM xxx

Bit Of Nail Art

I was feeling a little down the other night so I decided to do my nails. 

I haven't really done much with my nails of a good while so I'm so really out of touch! 

This is what I came up with. 

I used Models Own Hyper Gel in Cerise Shine, Models own Gold (limited edition freebie form forever ago) Barry M matte White, setch Vite top coat and a dotting tool to make the flowers and spots :)

The Models Own HyperGel was amazing! So shiny when it dried and it looked like I'd been to a professional salon. 

Drying time took a while but with SetchVite it cut the drying time by half. 

Cerise could be a one coater if you were in a rush but for best results I used three thinner coats. The coverage was great and even. 

Barry M Matte White is my all time favourite white, even coverage with two good coats. 

I hope you like!

ABM xxx

Trying To be Optimisc.

Hello!

How are you all doing? 

I'm actually doing quite good today, the hubby has finished work early and he's off for a few days, so a little weight and pressure has been lifted. He's still a bit of a pain in the ass, hardly spoke to me today. But yeah, whatever. 

I promised myself that I'd be positive today, I found this quote online; 

Whatever you do, keep your faith in yourself. 

(Source google)

So yeah, basically I'm gonna try to be happy and try to look on the bright side, I haven't cut for a week and I've tried to eat clean and well. 

Exercise is also going well, is that some baby muscles I see forming??? 

Annd if you know me, yeah I'm waffling again, I just don't know! I feel happy today!!!

I had a good natter with an old friend last night, and she's given me hope that there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel. 

You know who you are and If you're reading, thank u so frigging much sweetie. <3

As the words of Journey :

Much love to you all

ABM xxxx

My Obsession.

Hello!

Just a quick post about my obsession. 

I LOVE Nail Polish!! I have a lot of the stuff.  A good while ago before I had Bubs, I did a lot of nail art, spent a lot of time (and money 🙈) on polish and tools, and what not. 

(I think I have a very obsessive personality!)

This is my Barry M collection, since taking this photo, I found 3 more bottles... I need to learn how to keep my stuff organised. 😳

Barry M is my all time favourite brand of polish, it's it not expensive (ranging between £2.99 - £4.99) and they are really good quality! 

My second favourite brand is Models Own. These are slightly more expensive, (£5 a bottle) but still really nice polishes to use! 

I have lots of other nail polish but hey, I don't wanna bore y'all too much. Haha 

Thanks for reading!

ABM xxx

(All products have been purchased with my own money, I have not received samples from suppliers - all opinions are my own. I have not been asked by companies to review their products)

My Poor Mom

Hello,

I'm going to tell you a little about my Mom. 

Just a week before my son was born, she was diagnosed with breast cancer - Triple Negative.  I didn't actually find out about this until a week after having him. I think she told me 2 days before she had her op to have the lump removed. 

It had turned out that she actually had the pre op the day I had Bubs. 

How on earth she held it together I'll never know, because the day I had Bubs, that was a complete nightmare - I'll tell you about his birth another day. 

So anyway, my mom had her operation, to remove the lump, and the lump had actually grown bigger in the two weeks from when she was diagnosed. Scary! But the operation went well from what I was told. 

She then started her chemo treatment, she had a few weeks of that, then radiotherapy, then more chemo. 

The only thing she really feared was loosing her hair. Her hair thinned, and eventually fell out, but surprisingly enough, it wasn't the chemo or radio that had made her loose her hair. No, it was her back. 

See halfway into her treatment, she had a problem with her back, which caused a lot of pain in her legs, she spent a few days in hospital for scans and expats and the des were worried us was due to the cancer. It wasn't, it turned out the had a slipped disc and a pretruding disk. 

My mom couldn't walk, she was on a cocktail of meds, and eventually the hospital agreed to perform an operation. Once all her chemo had finished. 

She had the operation a week ago, they removed the one disc and I imagine that it was replaces with a plastic disk or something, and shaved? The other disc. 

My mom came out of hospital the next day and I stayed over night with her, she lives alone as she split from her partner a few yrs ago. 

Bringing us to the present date. She has lost all of her hair, due to the meds she was on for her back, she's still struggling to walk, and she's in a lot of pain. 

I'm constantly worrying about her as she now tells me she's not eating,she's in constant pain, her back is all bruised which I believe is from the op, and causing her the pain. She's not sleeping but spends most of her day in bed as it's less painful for her to lie down then stay sitting around the living room. 

I'm going up tomorrow to see how she's doing and to do some odd jobs for her. 

I'll keep you all updated on her progress. 

Thanks for reading. 

ABM xxx

Thoughts

So as you read in my previous post, I told you about my self harm. 

I'm just sat in the bath thinking, 'I have cuts on my hip, how can my husband not notice those'

He doesn't notice these things, purely because he doesn't notice me. He sees me cry most days, and he carries on with whatever it is he's doing, doesn't stop to ask me what's up, and when he does, I do try to tell him, of course I would, why wouldn't i? It doesn't seem to get through to him. 

Back to my cuts, so yeah right now I have a dozen cuts on my hip, they were from last week, when I got myself really down, the kids where being difficult, no hubby around, I got frustrated, I binged - I hadn't eaten properly for 10 days, I got angry with myself, and I took it out on myself, in The only way I know. 

It hurts to feel alone. I have friends, had friends should I say, I have some 'internet friends' but friend friends? Nope. They're never there when I need them. 

I'm married, surely he should notice, try to help me? Where is my marriage going? He's never there, he works till whenever, I ask him to finish work on time, and he never does. Is work more important than me? His family? Is he just staying there to be away from me?? 

Urgh I'm waffling again. 

Next post will be a happy one. I promis. 

Thanks for reading

ABM xxxx

Half Term Week

Monday :

 

So today, got of to a bad start, baby not well, and then decided to try and crawl, put his arms a little too far forward and face planted the floor. He was ok after a cuddle and a cry. 

My daughters (Diddle) outfit for the day! It's super cute and was purchased from H&M. Is it available in my size????

Black tee and red kitty print trousers. I'll team this up with some boots for diddle. 

My outfit was less cool!! 

We went and had a nosey around some shops, stopped for a drink and Diddle had a giant cookie :D

Today as a whole felt better, until Bubs (my baby) had to go to the Walk In Clinic cos his conjunctivitis flaird up again. The hubby took him while I stayed in with Diddle. Dr didn't really say much about Bubs just that it's cos he's got a cold which made his eye sticky. 

Tuesday : 

Today I decided to meet up with my Nan for lunch, and then took Diddle to a soft play centre to run off some steam. 

I didn't want to eat a lot do I ordered some veggie rice dish. I left half of it. Diddle had her usual Chicken Nuggets and chips. Diddle ran around like a loony for an hour which was great

I had a bit of a cry after breakfast. Bubs was just screaming his head off, diddle was being less than helpful and of course the hubby wasn't interested as usual. 

I'm fed up of feeling this way. 

And of course he finished late as usual :(

Wenesday :

Bubs was really sick during the night, bless him :( I hate when my kiddies are poorly, all I wish that I could do is to take it all away. 

He did manage to sleep till 6:20am after his sickness, but he's been off his food yesterday. 

The hubby finished early today, so he could have the rest of the day off as holiday and he has got tomorrow and Friday off too, I'm happy he's gonna be around for a couple of days. 

I also decided to go visit my mom, if you can remember I telling you that she'd not long had an operation on her back. So I did a few odd jobs for her and cooked her some tea. 

Thursday : 

 

Hubby off work today, so we went up to the shopping center cos I needed some new trainers for my 5k and 10k Race For Life events this summer. 

And of course they had to be pink!!

I also treated myself to some jeans and a couple of jumpers. 

We stopped and had lunch, I had a vegetarian pizza, and it was the only thing I allowed myself to eat that day. 

The rest of the day was pretty quiet. 

Friday : 

Today the hubby was off work again, we're planning on moving house so we set to work on clearing the loft out - woo exiting stuff!!

Then we built a blanket tent! It was a spur of the moment thing. Do you ever remember doing anything like that as a kid? It was ace :D Diddle wanted us to have a tea party in our blanket tent, and that's exactly what we did!

Well that just about wraps up half term week. I wish I could of done more, but I'm very limited to what I'm able to do with the kids and the weather lately has been rubbish. 

I can't wait for the weather to brighten so we can have some fun in the sun!!!

Thanks for reading

ABM xxx

Getting To Know Me...

Hey!

If u came back after my first post, yay! Thank you. If you've just stumbled across my blog, i do suggest you read the 'first post'

This post is going to be slightly more happier.

I'm going to tell you some more about myself.

I like pretty things. Pretty sparkly things. If it has glitter on it, it's guaranteed I'll like it.
I like to do my nails. Hers some old photos of my nails. Back from when I had 'time'

Water marble 

Jelly sandwich

Wow pink camo!

Sea inspired, gradient plus water marble

French tips, plus stamped flowers

Just orange :)

I'm also a bit of a gaming geek. I LOVE my Nintendo 3DSxl. Current games are
Animal Crossing : New Leaf
Pokemon X
Harvest Moon : New Beginning
Luigis Mansion.

So yeah, there's a bit more about me.

Come back for my next post where I'm writing about my water fast which I'm currently doing

Byeeee!!!
ABM xxx

First Post

Hello to anyone who's taking the time to read this

I wanted my first entry to be mind blowingly amazing!! Buuut my life isn't that fun. Infact I'll probably bore the crap out of you. If I'm boring you already, sorry, thanks for stopping by, have a great day

To those of you who are still reading this crap, then hello!  Welcome! Pull up a seat and join me while I tell you a little about myself.

Deep breath....

Right, firstly I should start by saying I'm depressed. No seriously. Depressed to the point where I self harm. (Wow, bet that's got your attention?) I've been harming for about 10 years. Sometimes I go for weeks or months without harming myself. Sometimes it only takes a trigger and I'm hurting myself.
Also, I have an eating disorder. Yay me! Who wants to be my friend now?? Eating disorders (ED) isn't fun. To have your entire life taken over with hatred and thoughts of food. When a trigger sets off a binge, then a trigger sets of harming...it's a vicious circle. Most days I don't eat at all. I hate food. Food is a horrible thing. It makes me fat. It makes me unhappy. I hate being told to eat. It's my body right? 

I consider myself 'ProAna' some might disagree. You don't need to be thin to have an eating disorder. 

I was given help, the help helped. The help vanished. Just like most good things in my life. 

So I battle alone. 

Oh did I mention I have two children?? Yes I have two kids, ones almost 4, a girl. Who is the most stubborn little lady you'd ever meet (TRIGGER!!!) and a 9 month old baby boy. Who loves nothing more than to keep me awake at night. I'm writing this and he's currently screaming the house down (it's currently 11:34pm) he's been fed, changed, rocked calpol'ed up and nothing settles him (woo another Trigger)

Anyways, you're probably reading this thinking, she seems happy - with the way this reads. I mean I am, 'happy' but equally I could throw myself off a bridge right now...bipolar anyone?

I have dark days, when all I wanna do is curl up and sleep the day away. I have no energy most days for even the simplest of tasks. 

So yeah that's me up there! If you've read this and thought she's crazy, then you're right. I am. If you're reading thinking wow what an idiot, again you're right.

This is only skimming the surface of my darkest thoughts,  you'll get to know me. I'll someday get down all my thoughts and fears, wants and needs. Someday, someone out there will want to help me. I mean truly help me. Not just think awe she's feeling down, let's take her out for a meal and pretend everything's ok.

So, yeah, if you come back to check future posts yay that's fab! If not, thanks for reading and treating me like everyone else does :)


Byeeee!!!!

ABM (a Beautiful Mess)