Trying To be Optimisc.

Hello!

How are you all doing? 

I'm actually doing quite good today, the hubby has finished work early and he's off for a few days, so a little weight and pressure has been lifted. He's still a bit of a pain in the ass, hardly spoke to me today. But yeah, whatever. 

I promised myself that I'd be positive today, I found this quote online; 

Whatever you do, keep your faith in yourself. 

(Source google)

So yeah, basically I'm gonna try to be happy and try to look on the bright side, I haven't cut for a week and I've tried to eat clean and well. 

Exercise is also going well, is that some baby muscles I see forming??? 

Annd if you know me, yeah I'm waffling again, I just don't know! I feel happy today!!!

I had a good natter with an old friend last night, and she's given me hope that there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel. 

You know who you are and If you're reading, thank u so frigging much sweetie. <3

As the words of Journey :

Much love to you all

ABM xxxx

My Obsession.

Hello!

Just a quick post about my obsession. 

I LOVE Nail Polish!! I have a lot of the stuff.  A good while ago before I had Bubs, I did a lot of nail art, spent a lot of time (and money 🙈) on polish and tools, and what not. 

(I think I have a very obsessive personality!)

This is my Barry M collection, since taking this photo, I found 3 more bottles... I need to learn how to keep my stuff organised. 😳

Barry M is my all time favourite brand of polish, it's it not expensive (ranging between £2.99 - £4.99) and they are really good quality! 

My second favourite brand is Models Own. These are slightly more expensive, (£5 a bottle) but still really nice polishes to use! 

I have lots of other nail polish but hey, I don't wanna bore y'all too much. Haha 

Thanks for reading!

ABM xxx

(All products have been purchased with my own money, I have not received samples from suppliers - all opinions are my own. I have not been asked by companies to review their products)

My Poor Mom

Hello,

I'm going to tell you a little about my Mom. 

Just a week before my son was born, she was diagnosed with breast cancer - Triple Negative.  I didn't actually find out about this until a week after having him. I think she told me 2 days before she had her op to have the lump removed. 

It had turned out that she actually had the pre op the day I had Bubs. 

How on earth she held it together I'll never know, because the day I had Bubs, that was a complete nightmare - I'll tell you about his birth another day. 

So anyway, my mom had her operation, to remove the lump, and the lump had actually grown bigger in the two weeks from when she was diagnosed. Scary! But the operation went well from what I was told. 

She then started her chemo treatment, she had a few weeks of that, then radiotherapy, then more chemo. 

The only thing she really feared was loosing her hair. Her hair thinned, and eventually fell out, but surprisingly enough, it wasn't the chemo or radio that had made her loose her hair. No, it was her back. 

See halfway into her treatment, she had a problem with her back, which caused a lot of pain in her legs, she spent a few days in hospital for scans and expats and the des were worried us was due to the cancer. It wasn't, it turned out the had a slipped disc and a pretruding disk. 

My mom couldn't walk, she was on a cocktail of meds, and eventually the hospital agreed to perform an operation. Once all her chemo had finished. 

She had the operation a week ago, they removed the one disc and I imagine that it was replaces with a plastic disk or something, and shaved? The other disc. 

My mom came out of hospital the next day and I stayed over night with her, she lives alone as she split from her partner a few yrs ago. 

Bringing us to the present date. She has lost all of her hair, due to the meds she was on for her back, she's still struggling to walk, and she's in a lot of pain. 

I'm constantly worrying about her as she now tells me she's not eating,she's in constant pain, her back is all bruised which I believe is from the op, and causing her the pain. She's not sleeping but spends most of her day in bed as it's less painful for her to lie down then stay sitting around the living room. 

I'm going up tomorrow to see how she's doing and to do some odd jobs for her. 

I'll keep you all updated on her progress. 

Thanks for reading. 

ABM xxx

Thoughts

So as you read in my previous post, I told you about my self harm. 

I'm just sat in the bath thinking, 'I have cuts on my hip, how can my husband not notice those'

He doesn't notice these things, purely because he doesn't notice me. He sees me cry most days, and he carries on with whatever it is he's doing, doesn't stop to ask me what's up, and when he does, I do try to tell him, of course I would, why wouldn't i? It doesn't seem to get through to him. 

Back to my cuts, so yeah right now I have a dozen cuts on my hip, they were from last week, when I got myself really down, the kids where being difficult, no hubby around, I got frustrated, I binged - I hadn't eaten properly for 10 days, I got angry with myself, and I took it out on myself, in The only way I know. 

It hurts to feel alone. I have friends, had friends should I say, I have some 'internet friends' but friend friends? Nope. They're never there when I need them. 

I'm married, surely he should notice, try to help me? Where is my marriage going? He's never there, he works till whenever, I ask him to finish work on time, and he never does. Is work more important than me? His family? Is he just staying there to be away from me?? 

Urgh I'm waffling again. 

Next post will be a happy one. I promis. 

Thanks for reading

ABM xxxx

Half Term Week

Monday :

 

So today, got of to a bad start, baby not well, and then decided to try and crawl, put his arms a little too far forward and face planted the floor. He was ok after a cuddle and a cry. 

My daughters (Diddle) outfit for the day! It's super cute and was purchased from H&M. Is it available in my size????

Black tee and red kitty print trousers. I'll team this up with some boots for diddle. 

My outfit was less cool!! 

We went and had a nosey around some shops, stopped for a drink and Diddle had a giant cookie :D

Today as a whole felt better, until Bubs (my baby) had to go to the Walk In Clinic cos his conjunctivitis flaird up again. The hubby took him while I stayed in with Diddle. Dr didn't really say much about Bubs just that it's cos he's got a cold which made his eye sticky. 

Tuesday : 

Today I decided to meet up with my Nan for lunch, and then took Diddle to a soft play centre to run off some steam. 

I didn't want to eat a lot do I ordered some veggie rice dish. I left half of it. Diddle had her usual Chicken Nuggets and chips. Diddle ran around like a loony for an hour which was great

I had a bit of a cry after breakfast. Bubs was just screaming his head off, diddle was being less than helpful and of course the hubby wasn't interested as usual. 

I'm fed up of feeling this way. 

And of course he finished late as usual :(

Wenesday :

Bubs was really sick during the night, bless him :( I hate when my kiddies are poorly, all I wish that I could do is to take it all away. 

He did manage to sleep till 6:20am after his sickness, but he's been off his food yesterday. 

The hubby finished early today, so he could have the rest of the day off as holiday and he has got tomorrow and Friday off too, I'm happy he's gonna be around for a couple of days. 

I also decided to go visit my mom, if you can remember I telling you that she'd not long had an operation on her back. So I did a few odd jobs for her and cooked her some tea. 

Thursday : 

 

Hubby off work today, so we went up to the shopping center cos I needed some new trainers for my 5k and 10k Race For Life events this summer. 

And of course they had to be pink!!

I also treated myself to some jeans and a couple of jumpers. 

We stopped and had lunch, I had a vegetarian pizza, and it was the only thing I allowed myself to eat that day. 

The rest of the day was pretty quiet. 

Friday : 

Today the hubby was off work again, we're planning on moving house so we set to work on clearing the loft out - woo exiting stuff!!

Then we built a blanket tent! It was a spur of the moment thing. Do you ever remember doing anything like that as a kid? It was ace :D Diddle wanted us to have a tea party in our blanket tent, and that's exactly what we did!

Well that just about wraps up half term week. I wish I could of done more, but I'm very limited to what I'm able to do with the kids and the weather lately has been rubbish. 

I can't wait for the weather to brighten so we can have some fun in the sun!!!

Thanks for reading

ABM xxx

Getting To Know Me...

Hey!

If u came back after my first post, yay! Thank you. If you've just stumbled across my blog, i do suggest you read the 'first post'

This post is going to be slightly more happier.

I'm going to tell you some more about myself.

I like pretty things. Pretty sparkly things. If it has glitter on it, it's guaranteed I'll like it.
I like to do my nails. Hers some old photos of my nails. Back from when I had 'time'

Water marble 

Jelly sandwich

Wow pink camo!

Sea inspired, gradient plus water marble

French tips, plus stamped flowers

Just orange :)

I'm also a bit of a gaming geek. I LOVE my Nintendo 3DSxl. Current games are
Animal Crossing : New Leaf
Pokemon X
Harvest Moon : New Beginning
Luigis Mansion.

So yeah, there's a bit more about me.

Come back for my next post where I'm writing about my water fast which I'm currently doing

Byeeee!!!
ABM xxx

First Post

Hello to anyone who's taking the time to read this

I wanted my first entry to be mind blowingly amazing!! Buuut my life isn't that fun. Infact I'll probably bore the crap out of you. If I'm boring you already, sorry, thanks for stopping by, have a great day

To those of you who are still reading this crap, then hello!  Welcome! Pull up a seat and join me while I tell you a little about myself.

Deep breath....

Right, firstly I should start by saying I'm depressed. No seriously. Depressed to the point where I self harm. (Wow, bet that's got your attention?) I've been harming for about 10 years. Sometimes I go for weeks or months without harming myself. Sometimes it only takes a trigger and I'm hurting myself.
Also, I have an eating disorder. Yay me! Who wants to be my friend now?? Eating disorders (ED) isn't fun. To have your entire life taken over with hatred and thoughts of food. When a trigger sets off a binge, then a trigger sets of harming...it's a vicious circle. Most days I don't eat at all. I hate food. Food is a horrible thing. It makes me fat. It makes me unhappy. I hate being told to eat. It's my body right? 

I consider myself 'ProAna' some might disagree. You don't need to be thin to have an eating disorder. 

I was given help, the help helped. The help vanished. Just like most good things in my life. 

So I battle alone. 

Oh did I mention I have two children?? Yes I have two kids, ones almost 4, a girl. Who is the most stubborn little lady you'd ever meet (TRIGGER!!!) and a 9 month old baby boy. Who loves nothing more than to keep me awake at night. I'm writing this and he's currently screaming the house down (it's currently 11:34pm) he's been fed, changed, rocked calpol'ed up and nothing settles him (woo another Trigger)

Anyways, you're probably reading this thinking, she seems happy - with the way this reads. I mean I am, 'happy' but equally I could throw myself off a bridge right now...bipolar anyone?

I have dark days, when all I wanna do is curl up and sleep the day away. I have no energy most days for even the simplest of tasks. 

So yeah that's me up there! If you've read this and thought she's crazy, then you're right. I am. If you're reading thinking wow what an idiot, again you're right.

This is only skimming the surface of my darkest thoughts,  you'll get to know me. I'll someday get down all my thoughts and fears, wants and needs. Someday, someone out there will want to help me. I mean truly help me. Not just think awe she's feeling down, let's take her out for a meal and pretend everything's ok.

So, yeah, if you come back to check future posts yay that's fab! If not, thanks for reading and treating me like everyone else does :)


Byeeee!!!!

ABM (a Beautiful Mess)